You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend! 

Charitable Contribution

Benefits Package

A recent graduate in Information Sciences is applying for a position in Advancement Services at a University. After hearing about his grades and work experience on campus, the recruiter asks about his salary expectations. The grad says, "Well, I was looking for something in the $125,000 range."

The recruiter says, "So I guess you'd like a benefit package with some of the following components? How about starting with 5 weeks of vacation, full pension plan, unlimited sick leave, paid travel to up to 3 technical conferences a year, and use of a Red Corvette?"

The recruit is stunned and says, "You must be kidding!"

The recruiter responds, "Yeah, but you started it!"

Tough Prospect

A local charity had been following the successes of the town's most successful lawyer, but they had never gotten a donation. The major gifts manager contacted him to try to solicit a gift.

"Our research shows that you make over $750,000 per year, but don't give anything to charity. Would you consider a significant gift to help the community?" asked the fund-raiser.

The lawyer responded, "does your research also show that my elderly mother is quite ill and has medical bills far exceeding her assets and income?"

"Well, no," said the manager.

"Or does your research show that my brother was recently in a debilitating accident and is now unemployed?"

"Or that my sister's husband recently died after 10 years in the hospital leaving her penniless with three kids?"

The humiliated manager quietly said, "I had no idea."

"So," said the lawyer, "if I am not giving any money to them, why would I give any to you?"

Lost at Sea

Three very rich guys are sailing on the yacht of one of them. A horrible storm comes up, sinks the yacht and casts them onto a deserted island. The owner of the yacht is crushed by the loss and by the fact that he did not register their course before they departed. He cries that they have no way to call for help.

One of the guests is similarly crushed and is complaining about all that he has lost. He hadn't said "I love you" to his wife and kids before leaving; he had actually left them following an argument.

The third man says, "Hey guys, cheer up! I made a pledge of $1M to my alma mater just  before we left. There's no way those guys won't find me!"

University Exams #1 - Blue Books

In a seminar class of about 250 students, the teaching assistant handed out the final exam of the semester and told the class that they had precisely 50 minutes to complete the exam, writing all of their answers in their "blue books."

He would announce times in advance of the end of the session but everyone had to close their blue books when time was announced and put the completed exams on his desk.

So at the 1/2 hour mark, he announces "20 minutes to go."

At the 3/4 hour mark, he announces "5 minutes to go" and the 250 students are scrambling to write in their best and final work.

At the 50 minute mark, he announces "OK, close your blue books and bring them up to my desk.

All students except one do exactly that. This last student keeps on working, but is unseen in the mass of humanity working their way to drop off their exams on the TA's desk. As the last 20-30 students are putting their blue books in stacks on the TA's desk he sees the remaining student still working, and says "HEY!"

The final student calmly closes his blue book and walks forward to the TA's desk. He walks up to the front of the desk, and stands arrogantly in front of the TA. Before the TA can say anything to him, he asks in a challenging voice, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

The teaching assistant, taken aback, says timidly "No."

The student says "Didn't think so," tucks his blue book in the middle of one of the stacks and walks out of the classroom.

University Exams #2 - Turnabout is Fairplay

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction.

Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute. It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete it".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

Speaking of clocks, visit the RIA Clocks page...

My Personal Favorite Virus Hoaxes - As I received them.

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If you have any favorite jokes about development, systems, or whatever, please share them with me at Jokes. Thanks. This will force me to put more of my favorite jokes, speech starters, and other anecdotes into a useful format.

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Last updated April 1,  2003