My Favorites

"Virus" #1 - Badtimes

It is IMPORTANT you read this very carefully!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. (For Gosh sake, man! Are you listening?!?!)

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98/2000 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart the next time you're making love.

send send send send send................

(In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.)

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"Virus" #2 - Amish Virus (Special from Pennsylvania Dutch Country)

Hello There You English -

You have just received the "Amish Virus" As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation,

Amish Computer Engineering Dept.

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"Virus" #3: The C-Nile Virus

Just learned about this from a reliable source. It seems that there is a computer virus out there called the "C-Nile Virus" that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1950. Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same E-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank E-mail.

3. Causes you to send E-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send E-mail back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to send E-mail to other listed persons who received the E-mail from the person who sent it to you.

6. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

"Virus" #4 - WINDOWS NOT A VIRUS
Cupertino, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — Symantec issued an apology to Microsoft yesterday after the security software maker's AntiVirus Research Center issued an alert for a "widespread and lethal virus known to cause system crashes and data loss" that turned out to be the Windows 95/98 operating systems. Symantec CEO John Thompson called it a "regrettable but understandable" mistake.

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Updated April 2003